It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
