I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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