I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
