I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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