You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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