Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
