It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
