He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just had sex on a roof
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
