My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
