Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
