I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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