So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
