Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
