It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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