we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
