I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
