i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
