she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
