dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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