theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Text me some of your sweat
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