You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
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I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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