I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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