Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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