Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
