i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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