i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
