I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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