God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
