The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You may now shotgun with the bride
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
