I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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