Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
