So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
