I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
