I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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