He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
