every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
