I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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