when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
