Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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