dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
