I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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