He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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