you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
