he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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