Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
