I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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