dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
