The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
