I got chris browned last night
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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