My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
