just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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