Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
