My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
