sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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