If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
