he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
