mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
