Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
