I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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