did you get engaged???
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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