Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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