Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
