i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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